Fantasy Premier League Gameweek 23 Update: Dango's Revenge, Moyes' Miracle & the Sh*t Stick Shuffle

Gameweek 23 Recap: Dango Who? Moyes Madness, and the Curse of the Sht Stick

Another week, another round of Fantasy Premier League chaos. Gameweek 23 was a rollercoaster of surprises, bench blunders, and the occasional moment of accidental genius. Whether you're flying high or clinging on for dear life, this FPL update has everything you need to know – served with a side of banter and a dash of why-do-I-bother despair.

Top Scorers of Gameweek 23

This week's top performers were a mixed bag of “obvious picks” and “who?”. Leading the charge was Dango with a whopping 21 points. Yes, Dango. No, none of us had him. Not a single one. Honestly, I'm not even sure he's a real person or just a Bournemouth intern they shoved on the pitch for a laugh. Meanwhile, Gakpo (16 points) was a slightly more popular choice, with 20 managers reaping the rewards. And then there was Martinez (15 points), the Aston Villa shot-stopper who only three of you trusted. The rest of us are now questioning our life choices.

Manager Chip Madness: Moyesiah Rises Again

In a plot twist nobody asked for, David Moyes (19 points) and Iraola (13 points) were the top-scoring managers this week. Yes, David Moyes. The man who once made us all question whether football was even worth watching is now out here racking up points like he's Pep Guardiola. If you're desperate for a boost, maybe it's time to slap that Manager Chip on Moyes. Just don't come crying to us when he loses 4-0 next week.

Managers of the Week: Slot Machine and Sinking Ships

A big round of applause for Slot Machine and Sinking Ships, who both scored a tidy 84 points this week. Well done, lads. Enjoy your moment of glory before the inevitable Gameweek 24 meltdown. Remember, pride comes before a red arrow.

**Wildcard Woes (and the Sh*t Stick Shuffle)**

Four brave souls played their Wildcards this week, and the results were… mixed. Gregg with Maddoggs came out on top with a respectable 78 points – nice work, Gregg. At the other end of the spectrum, Are You Shaw? scored a dismal 47 points and proudly takes home the Shit Stick Award. Commiserations, mate. Special mention to Stew with Herron FC, who left 26 points on the bench, including Saliba and Vardy with 9 points each. Stew, we've all been there – usually at 3am, staring at our phones, wondering why we didn't just stick to FIFA.

Captaincy Chaos: Isak Saves the Day

Plenty of you backed Salah and Palmer as your captains this week, but the real hero was Isak, who bagged 13 points (26 with the armband). Eighteen of you had the foresight to captain him against a Southampton side that's about as solid as a wet paper bag. The rest of us are still crying into our lukewarm pints.

Association Cup Update: Glory Awaits (or Not)

Gameweek 24 sees the next round of the Association Cup, so make sure to check the app to see how you're getting on. It's that time of the season where mid-table teams start sacrificing league points to focus on cup glory. A risky strategy, but one that's paid off for some in previous seasons. Will it work this time? Or will it all end in tears? Spoiler alert: it'll probably end in tears.

Final Thoughts: The Middle-Aged Man's Lament

As we limp towards the business end of the season, remember: it's not about winning (because let's face it, none of us are), it's about not coming last. So keep those transfers sensible, avoid captaining defenders (unless you're feeling really brave), and for the love of God, stop benching Saliba.

Until next time, lads. May your arrows be green, your benches be barren, and your pints be ever full. And remember: if all else fails, just blame the wife/kids/dog for distracting you.